I have come to believe that what shows up in our lives is a reflection of the quality of our relationship to ourselves as spiritual beings in human form. That as such, our "work", is to allow for and learn from our humanity, with all it's complications, pain, limiting beliefs, insecurities etc. in order to know ourselves as and be a reflection of our True loving, benevolent, compassionate, joyful and limitless nature. When our relationship with ourselves is aligned with our True nature as a spiritual being, we are guided by our emotions, inspirations, hopes and dreams toward lives of love, joy, freedom, meaning and authenticity. The miracle is that our humanity is the path to transformation.
What was showing up in my life was not working for me or my loved ones. It was not a reflection of my beliefs. I was desperately looking outside of myself to feel valuable, worthy and connected but instead, I was mostly feeling depression, anger, resentment and separation. I had tried so hard to be what others wanted, valued and needed - to take care of others - in my family, my marriage & even in my profession. I finally realized that what was showing up for me was a reflection of how disconnected I was from myself in any context!
Reflecting others was my identity script, it was how I controlled my sense of connection and security. As my daughters started leaving the nest, covid hit and George Floyd was murdered in front of the world, I began to implode at warp speed. Deep emotional pain became my state of being and it was getting harder and harder to keep hanging on. I became sick of hearing myself blaming others and the world for my miserable state. I was no longer able to find my way internally or externally.
I knew I needed radical and honest self examination. Given the golden light from the approaching sunset of my life, this work felt overwhelming, "too little, too late", scary and even pointless. I was so bone tired of living and terrified of who and what I would find inside. I had NO idea what I wanted, needed, valued and felt so damaged, small, hopeless. I just wanted to stop the pain. I wanted out, to be done.
I am hard wired for personal growth and spiritual connection, neither can be denied, so, I begrudgingly opted to trudge into my inner chaos. I gradually learned that my work was to stop focusing on what was wrong in my life and start focusing on the ways in which I was not in sync with myself - as a human and a spiritual being.
Over the next several years, I learned that despite my seemingly confident and opinionated persona, I was far more insecure, judgmental and critical of myself and others than I could have imagined. I got serious about figuring out what my wants, needs, values, hopes and dreams were and what supported my authenticity. I had to constantly return my focus to my relationship with myself and what I wanted out of life - the only thing any of us truly has any control over. I may as well have been climbing Mt. Everest. Fortunately, I had cherished friends, a therapist, life coaches, ancient & innovative treatments as my sherpas. It's been brutal, but worth it. I am living with more hope authenticity, life force, self-acceptance, peace and fulfillment. I have a ways to go to get firmly grounded and connected within but for now, my life is increasingly reflecting
my improved relationship with myself through easier, more accepting and nurturing relationships, greater compassion, exciting opportunities, inspiration by and appreciation for living.
We are each on our own unique climbs. Some much more difficult than others. I do not mean to qualify anyone's journey. This is mine. May you find and know hope and peace on your way.
